Murder Murderer Love Inc.

For once in a really long time, I had some beautiful control over my emotion today. Let me say, that out of all the days of the year, this is certainly not the best in a way. I mean, out of all the wonderful experiences and beautiful mistakes - this day really stood out like bright colors against a fading watermark backdrop. It contained all the elements of another stereotypical bad school day - numerous tests (all forgotten), a presentation (also forgotten), and all the basic worries from grade reports, final grades, and other useless emulators of nervousness (I mean, after tasting the beauty of life apart from homework and essays, you begin to realize that grades aren't that important). Letters in ink on paper shouldn't cause such hateful compassion. Suprisingly, none of these things ruined my day. Not even Madeline being out sick and myself coming down with something made this day bad. Something else...Something odd changed today. Maybe it was some strange test run that went wrong...or a mixture of emotions. Maybe it was realizing even more just how much I miss Madeline when she is gone, or how truly beautiful it is to ask someone to lunch - in purest simplicity - and sit there...talking...smiling...and altogether forgetting the day around you to just enjoy spending time with one another.

Something today made me even more grateful for another breath of life. I think about how I could be alone in this cold. An orphan within my own reality. An orphan that smiles at the fortune of the dead leaves in autumn - of how they fall so peacefully to rest. I'm not alone, and I'm so incredibly lucky to have the life I find myself living each day when I wake up. I wish I could share this feeling better than babbling off words that surely mean nothing more than jumble to anyone other than myself. How beautiful it would be to not worry at all...to give wondrous presents to the world at random...to smile back at the sun...to finally thank the world for having you...It's all only the beginning. It's only the beginning, but what a flawless beginning.

So, a lot has changed. Some things so quickly; so beautifully; so perfectly. Some things slowly medicated to alteration. Either way, things have changed.

The play, in it's entirety, is finally over. Saddening, yet a large relief in the end. I mean, in dreams, who wouldn't want performance to be an everlasting thing? In all practicality, it's just not so. Oh well, One Act auditions were today. I read my part and walked away. I don't think I've ever been this numb before.

Madeline brought up a question that - since then - I've been thinking about. It seems I look at life as boring, as long, and as tiresome. It seems that I don't find excitement in the little things - in all the things in life that...I guess, used to make me happy. I don't think I feel this way, but thinking never helps much when it comes to feeling, does it? I mean, I am happy when I see Madeline. I'm happy when I'm around friends...jesters...thinkers...and enemies even...I'm happy when I can think, learn, and truly understand the things that are rambled so uselessly about during class periods. I guess the routine of the school day and the feeling of utter futility that I fight so strivingly to ignore after I exit quickly from each day just gets to me after awhile. I find no use for electron configurations...the dot structure of elements...the theorem to determine that one segment is truly congruent to another...two-collumn proofs...the territory that the original Blackfoot tribe inhabited...I mean, in all my sensitivity...who cares? I, for one, do not. And, even though I do try so hard to find something to amuse myself with...something to find excitement and happiness in...I can't. I've never felt so numb before.

I feel like dancing. My body can't understand this request, but my heart is flying foolishly around my body...trying to find a way out. Trying to somehow pull my body to dance to this undescribable beat; this music that floats so carefully through my ears, but I can't grasp for more than a split second. My heart has finally woken up and realized how much in this world that I take for granted, and how much that I can finally understand. I just want to dance...to let out all the things that make this world so wonderful. I look around me - hoping for something to casually explain how utterly in love I am with life and the beauty around me. Hoping that something will explain to me how lucky I am. I truly am getting nowhere with asking the nothingness around me. I truly am getting nowhere. That's the problem - I wish I could - I'm dying to finally reach some destination where I can finally dance without restrait. So I can finally dance.

Nobody knows. Nobody sees. Nobody knows, but me.

My lack of sleep is becoming evident. I haven't had a goodnight's sleep in a long time. It's not that I don't have the opportunity to get enough...it's just that, for some reason, I haven't been able to. The play exhausts me during the day, and school doesn't help either. When I finally get home, I don't want to do anything but sleep. I want to go to sleep at nine o'clock...eight o'clock even sometimes...but for some reason, I never can. When I do finally get in bed, sleep barely comes. Fantastic dreams of insanity have overwhelmed my thoughts as of lately. It's like I'm watching life from inside an abstract painting. I can't tell up from down - right from left - reality from dreams. I fall asleep while sleeping...I fall through seemingly solid ground just so I can't reach what I want...I can barely open my eyes without the fear that my dreams have become my reality. A lot of my dreams involve the play, or the normal school day...and quite a lot of the time Madeline. I don't know if this all means something, but if it does - I don't want to understand. Hopefully dreams do not tell of the future...or I'd die now, just to die happy. Let's just hope for the best.

My grades have been slipping quietly down the drain...my Geometry grade is nothing to laugh about, and Chemistry has definitely never been my best suit. I'm scared that I need to get both of them up, or I won't be eligible for Olions. I definitely can't have that happen now; at this time. I just can't have two F's, and I think I have that under control (hopefully). School is so trivial and unimportant compared to the things that I'd rather give my time.

I've been spending some more time with Melissa as of lately. It's really nice to talk and be with her again; I've really missed her as a good friend (as I've lately realized). It is a relief not to have to fight with her anymore either. It's like I'm practically getting to know her for the first time again. I've also spent a lot more time with Meg. She's just such a fun person! I've had so many conversations with her that make absolutely no sense, but that's alright. It's so crazy to spend time with her, but I wouldn't miss a minute of it. Altogether, I'm having so many experiences with new and old freinds because of the play (once again), that it's going to be so empty once the play is all over. It will be a lot like the withdrawl I've experienced after every performance I've been in during these two short years in Olions. One Acts start right after the last weekend of the play, so there won't be that much of a break to sit around and think about it. It's going to be a busy year; that's for sure. I'm definitely going to try out for the One Acts this year, and even if I don't get in...I'm still definitely going to tech if I can.

So, the show was last night. Mixed emotions? Nervousness? Was I scared? Not really. I was very excited by the time five-thirty rolled around, and I got my energy up my listening and jumping around to some Flogging Molly, and dancing foolishly with David, Trevor, and Robert to "I'm Too Sexy". I was pretty confident that I was going to do well, and wasn't really nervous. I guess it was because we had done it so many times, that I felt really comfortable with it all. I could focus my extra energy on "kicking it up a notch". And a lot of my friends and Mr. K said that I sure did kick it up a notch. But, tonight will be better. A second attempt is always better, right? The show altogether was amazing, and going on stage and bowing at the end gave me such an adrenaline rush that I didn't know what to do with all the energy. Tonight will be a lot of fun. Samantha is having her birthday party afterwards! I can barely wait until tonight.

Release me. Release me.

I'm sitting here looking at the site, thinking about how to get all the links to work the way I want them to, while finding the most efficient way to do it. It's becoming incredibly annoying to know exactly what you want to do, but never being able to quite grasp how to do it. Gah, I wish my mind would translate directly into the code I need, but in the end, not possible. Sadly.

I went to see the Rocky Horror Show yesterday with my family as well as Tyler and Sam. The play was amazing; so well done - I found myself finding it hard to believe that Tim Curry wasn't playing Frankenfurter, or that Richard O'Brian had cut his hair, dyed it black, and took thirty years off his life to play Riff Raff. It was a great show, and Justin did remarkably well as Rocky. It was very odd to see him in gold briefs with bright blonde hair. All and all, it was a wonderful night, and once I got home, I sat uselessly at the computer until about three in the morning finishing this damn layout. Only thirty minutes ago or so did I finally work out the final bug. Damn thing. Oh well, well worth it in the end.

I think that I'm still going to audition with "Hanging Upside Down" for Topper Revue, but I will also audition with Sam for "Three Libras". I like both songs, but it would be so much energy to play a song with a horn section. I guess that's not exactly a fair arguement - there is a string part in "Three Libras", but it isn't exactly the same thing. I still think it would be utterly amazing to play a version of "The Noose", but altogether very hard to pull it off. I don't know exactly why I am worrying about Topper Revue now, considering it's in January. I have a couple of months to think about it, and also the auditions for the One Acts between that. Damn, so much work. Just like Jean said, November is definitely going to be my busiest month as well (for the most part).

I just realized that the play is going to be over and done with in only a short span of two weeks. In two weeks there will be no more Victor...no more Henry...no more characters to parade to the world on stage. Sadly, I feel that I will barely be able to talk to Hallie or Haylee again...nonetheless David and Alex. It's very weird to think about, and it always happens like this. I go through this weak withdrawl after shows, because I start missing it. It happened with Arsenic, and it happened with Grease...I always have an off-the-wall time at the cast parties and I always feel like I truly connect with everyone. I guess that's why I go through the withdrawl - I start missing that connection. I always say this, it always happens...but then something else starts up, and I completely forget, and start the cycle all over again. So, nothing really to worry about.

Well, so far so good. Life, and it's many distractions, along with these many overcrowded time blocks - complete restraint of course - that seem to make up most of the every day living that easily consumes me, is quietly creeping up like Frankenstein's monster on my sanity.

Business is now simply routine - such contrast to the lazy schedule that I used to live so trivially by. Every day is truly a new adventure, and I can never honestly say I'm prepared for the next shaking blow. It's so awkward to refer to my life as an "adventure" of sorts. It simply makes it sound as if I do not have control over it. I guess the simple question of contraction this time around would be...well, do I?

Rehearsals are becoming longer and even more tedious, but I do not mind the work at all. I mean, of course, that's what rehearsals are for anyway. Compared to my role and the other wonderful friends and actors that have lead the fall play before me, I have awfully high standards to strive for. All I can do is try. I have become closer and more comfortable with my fellow castmates. I am continuing to work at my role as Victor with ardor, hoping every day to do a little better, and step further into the reality of this mad scientist - but also this shy, awkward friend and lover. I strive to simply become Victor Frankenstein, in essence.

We had two run-through rehearsals last week. They were the first time that we had ran the entire show all the way through without stopping. I tried my hardest to connect - to truly step into my part, and become the fictional character that I have nursed for the last two months. I am very excited about the upcoming play, even though the number of lines, the skeletal set, and the missing props are laughing in my ear - nudging me to worry. Everything will be fine.

I have discovered another like mind in this reality of dreams, but also in parallel instances (not necessarily related to the upcoming lay which looms uncomfortably close). Also in dreams, in every day life, and another reality which we both dream to come true. I have made a wonderful friend in Alex - in which every day she shows me something new to think about. It's truly a rare occasion to find a friend that shares a love of fun, and also a love of thinking, of learning, and again - altogether living.

Other new friends have grown from the apparent "bonding" (to use such a brutal word) of the play. I have gained neutral battle ground with both Robert and Gideon, and have crossed social stereotypes by getting to know Haylee so much better. In the profound, simple, yet beautiful words of dearest Andrew - "You are definitely going to become the next...Jordan Daniel". How unbelievably true my friend - not only in all literal sense, but also in the way that I am becoming so close to reaching all the beauty I so carefully allotted for myself in life. I believe I was just very lucky.

So, here is the new GlassAgainstGlass. I think I have it all covered now - the journal, the comments, the lyrics, the artwork - I was getting sick of all the accounts strewn all over the place, so I decided to move everything to one domain (www.glassagainstglass.com). Not all the links are working, because I have a lot of work still to do, but here is the main gist of it. As for Diaryland, I will virtually be non-existent there as of now (it was a good run, I must say). I will use LiveJournal for community connection with my friends, but not for posting. Finally, a home.

I picked up Autumn for the first time in awhile a couple of days ago. I opened the case, and I could barely wait to play. She was perfectly in tune - just the way I left her - and every note seemed even more pure and beautiful than the last. My fingers itch to record again with Cragin, and get back into the studio to finish my demo.

Oh well. The night awaits.