Jordan Daniel

Whether Jordan is writing acoustically under moniker Borderline Angelic, scratching out club beats with experimental project Electric Dreams Fantasy Boy, exploring 8-bit sounds and field recording with the electronic Pareidolia, or even playing homage to David Byrne and early ska in Captain Sizzle At The CBGB - the founder of Sudden Epidemic and the "voice" of Jane Lane plays music wherever he goes.

When not dancing the tango with lady Music herself, Jordan enjoys croquet, Regina Spektor, cooking, The Dark Knight, Magic: The Gathering, composition notebooks, horror movies, Terry Gilliam, concerts, quidditch, Blue Indigo, Mel Brooks, Richard Linklater, Photoshop, the internet, Godspeed You! Black Emperor, milk, Stanley Kubrick, new wave, Moog, the color pink, and the number 136.

The Rush, Part Two

After stepping quietly into reality, I smile at the fact that I really do have the control over my life, and what I choose to do with it. I cross the street calmly, laughing at the people yelling at their radios and cursing at their stoplights; fretting for a mechanical leader that controls them. The cool breeze tucks itself into my jacket, and a smooth sense of sailing away fills my body. Lifted to my toes, I walk steadily to nowhere. I avoid the cracks in the sidewalk, and dance on the wind...floating each step after the other. Your rules don't control me...your laws don't beat me...I am me! Living in all my flesh and blood...I control this life! Like writing in a book, I hold all my own endings, and contain every twist of the plot. I am the soul and living essence of this writing, and I...AM...ALIVE. Like you, and you, and whoever reads this...I am breathing now! I am living every second...and I join you in harmony of life. I join you in love and friendship...and I surrender to the power of one. We are all one mind.

For A Minute There, I Lost Myself.

I sit here...not knowing. I look at the people I know, and see chaos. It's not change; I've seen that. Surely though, it is something. Lately, everyone that I could live and die for - holding a friendship, an aquaintance, or a passing note in hand - I have barely been able to stand. It's like the world shifted a little to the left, and everyone turned a looked a little past me - never looking at me, but really, looking through me. It's like the parallels have been severed, and the balanced understanding between two worlds was lost. Every step I take, it takes a little more effort to take a breath...tired, broken, sore...I collapse in a helpless pile of defeat. I look at how one day the world turns one way, and the next, I'm thrown off my feet in a reverse direction...dizzy and without bearings. It's almost satisfying to just imagine the idea of "alone", and drift inside that dream for awhile. It's almost relaxing. You never have to worry anyone...anything...you never have to worry for the well-being of others. Selfish and stupid, inside your own little world, you play with your toys and try hold your breath (for little do you know, you are drowning). When the water finally fills your lungs, a cool, clean feeling of release overwhelms you, and you smile...floating slowly through the blue of your dream...blue...blue...blue...then black. Tell me what I've gotten myself into.

My Life: The Soundtrack

Opening credits: Guster - "What You Wish For" or Laconic - "The Request"
Waking up: Pink Floyd - "Comfortably Numb"
Average day: Dave Matthews Band - "Jimi Thing"
First date: Nick Drake - "Hazey Jane I"
Falling in love: Norah Jones - "Feelin' The Same Way"
Love scene: A Perfect Circle - "Magdalena" or Incubus - "Here In My Room"
Fight scene: The Murmurs - "You Suck"
Breaking up: Flogging Molly - "The Likes Of You Again" (indirectly)
Getting back together: The Lyndsay Diaries - "Fading The Kisses"
Secret love: Saves The Day - "She"
Life's okay: The Rocket Summer - "TV Family"
Mental breakdown: Matchbox Twenty - "Bed Of Lies"
Physical breakdown: Marilyn Manson - "I Don't Like The Drugs (But The Drugs Like Me)"
Driving: G-Love And The Special Sauce - "1-76"
Learning a lesson: Bright Eyes - "Let's Not Shit Ourselves (To Love And To Be Loved)
Deep thought: Queens Of The Stone Age - "Song For The Deaf"
Flashback: AFI - "Death Of Seasons"
Partying: Rusted Root - "Food And Creative Love"
Happy dance: Fastball - "Good Old Days"
Regretting: Blind Faith/Joe Cocker - "Can't Find My Way Home" or The Verve Pipe - "The Freshman"
Long night alone: Idiot Pilot - "Lucid"
Death scene: Tool - "The Patient"
Closing credits: Led Zeppelin - "The Song Remains The Same"

The Rush, Part Four

"To love, and to be loved. Let's hope that is enough."

"So sorry, so selfish."

I have reached a point of no return. I have been the edge, teetered on the thought of falling, then have executed my actions...without knowledge. I have fallen. And I see no reason to get back up. I see no reason for anything. I want to say sorry to everyone, for anything I've done. I promise you, something is there in those words. It's not a lie. I truly am sorry, for whatever I've done. But one does make mistakes. Mistakes...heh...I'm far too gone to even comprehend the meaning of a "mistake". There is nothing within me, and I'm sorry if it hurts. I'm sorry if I hurt you, or you, or you, or you...or anyone. I can't take things back.

Gravity. I fall and I fall, with no reason to scream in terror. Accepting. Accepting. Accept the change and things move on.

Accept.

The Rush, Part One

I don't want to go back. What do I have to go back to? I want to have nothing to go back to. I want to never have to worry again. I want to be free. Break these shackles...break this chain...break my uselessness...crack my skull...let the blood flow out onto the ground. Watch it run like rivers in the soil...telling stories so quietly. Put me in a giant glass box labeled "GONE BAD", and put in Warehouse 136...never to be opened...never to be cared for. Watch me never struggle...I know what I deserve. Alone in my world.

I don't regret anything I've done; I don't regret my life. I don't think I regret anything at all. I just never know the good and bad decision. I never know when to draw my personal line...yelling to myself that there is something stopping me. Why the fuck should there be? I don't want to be stopped. I'm sick of it...I don't need to be trapped in this glass box my whole life. I think either I'm missing out on something...or I've forgotten what it's meant to live. To love. Something. Help me, please.

I'm giving up. I'm not losing my mind...I'm not losing my sense. I know exactly what I mean. I give up. I GIVE UP. Use someone else as a stand-in. I'm perfectly fine...I just don't care. I'm a person who's guilt dies in seconds. I never feel my heart being eaten up from inside. It's already gone. Guilt doesn't bother me. I could kill, and not feel guilty. I've reached a point where lies are survival, and I'm just a dummy on strings. A dummy.

A dummy.

Twelve Steps Back

I decided to reverse my layout to dark. It suits how I'm feeling better. I don't know how to explain it better than that. So anyway, I stayed home today, because I needed to. I felt...feel...something...drained mentally, emotionally, and physically. I just wouldn't have been able stand the routine today. It doesn't really matter, because there isn't anyway to escape it. Tommorrow I have to go back. I needed sleep...I slept until 11:00 today, and it helped. I still feel drained. But it doesn't really matter. I can deal with it, really.

I don't know what I've been thinking about all day...or what I've been feeling really. It's been hard lately to really pinpoint what I've been thinking, because it seems to be jumping around randomly without particular pattern...and I can barely hold on to one thought at a time and put them all together. I guess I've been thinking about how people are way too worrysome...or how people are way too bitter. I'm one to talk (hypocrite of the century, right here), but it seems that compliments are now taken with sarcasm, worried opinions are now taken as threats or arguments, and every step you take forward is considered twelve steps back. People have been angry with me lately, and nothing else. People think they "know better" than me when I express an opinion. It all seems like a giant argument where everything I say does nothing to help.

You know what? It's okay. It's great. I mean, why shouldn't it be? All those reasons are petty and have no way of affecting my happiness in the end. I can let them all go, and move on. The beautiful thing about existing as a human being - we have the choice to let go of whatever we want. Sadly, none of us ever do. A lot of people hold on to all the bad things they are experiencing in their life, and focus on nothing else but them. Maybe that's why people are so bitter. They never see the better side of things. Again, I'm one to talk. At the same time, I have the right to change my mind. I'm not a hyprocrite. I have the right to change my opinion or outlook on things whenever I want, and doing so does not make my a hyprocrite. Right?

Madeline called me yesterday. I didn't get to talk long, because I was working on the Guys And Dolls t-shirt, and it was getting late (according to my mother). It was alright. I realize that even though I miss her terribly, I don't have to fall apart because of it. I talked to Elise for a little bit yesterday which was nice, as well as actually (do you believe this?) did some work for Project Forge. So, I'm getting somewhere. Maybe taking twelve steps back isn't such a bad thing. Maybe we're all moving in the wrong direction anyway.

It's Like Praying: What Do You Risk?

I made a mix...I don't really know if I can call it that. I mean, it's the first successful attempt I have made to create a collection of music that truly captures the feeling I recorded so carefully in my heart during the last few days. There are some things in life you will never forget for some reason or another, and those few days I spent at Festival will probably be one of them. Why? Because for the first time, in a long time, I felt relaxed...alive...myself...at peace. So I made this mix; an assembly of emotion to convey the truth in my heart. And my ears.

It starts out quietly, at a relaxed pace; crooning so sweetly in your ears as if the sun is rising in front of you (Miles Davis and Friends - Caffaro's Theme). You feel the cool breeze against your skin, and you awaken so carefully as not to disturb the peace around you. You are relaxed, and one with the love you feel for the world. You are alive, and you love to feel so alive. The full story erupts from a powerful song of protest; of somewhat truth. A higher message (Bright Eyes - Method Acting). Emotions racing high...laced intricately with the realization that you make life as it is. You truly wish you could keep living this experience every night, but you know it could never be the same. It's once in a lifetime, and take it for what it is. "It's not a movie...no private screening...this method acting...well, I call it living." The painful cry of "on and on and on and on..." unleashes in your ears, and you begin to comprehend that there is never an end...never a beginning...it just IS. The world explodes in a motion-picture playback of the events so far. Everything around you seems like it could be placed in a movie...so cinematic (AFI - This Celluloid Dream). You feel twisted in your thoughts, confused and hurt. Hurt by what? You can barely see where you are going, and trip carelessly on broken hearts and a field of shed tears to gather enough energy to finally admit to some unknown power..."IN YOUR RADIANCE I MELT."

You let go of your frustration, and a pure feeling of exhaustion overcomes you. But still you are plagued by some unknown emotion...hiding somewhere deep inside (Evanescence - My Immortal). You can't decide if you are happy or upset...even the simplest of stereotypical feeling seems parallel and useless. You let go of everything and fall quietly into a world of half-life...aware of the world, but asleep inside. Time passes quickly, and nothing means more than being safe for once and all. So tired. You slip into a dream...an atmosphere of indistinguishable shapes forms images in your head. Clouded by understanding, you try and convince some unseen being that you really must mean something to world (Idiot Pilot - White Noise). You wouldn't suffer so much, unless you were needed. Unless there was some unknown reason to exist. "You suffer for them," the being calls back. You aren't anything in life but yourself, and you have to make yourself as alive as possible. "You're dying for a solo." You awaken. You're back where you started; you recognize your surroundings and smile. You have a second chance; you have another day. Another day to live. You search for others, hoping to share this unbearable amount of happiness with the world (Forever Down - Life Alone Is No Life At All). You smile endlessly. You can't keep it in; you can't explain it. You worship every breath of cold air as a blessing. You laugh like it's your last. Eat, drink, and be merry.

The world fast-forwards around you, and you are caught up in a flurry of misunderstanding. The problems and concerns of the world suffocate you (Radiohead - My Iron Lung). You strive to bring the world to happiness; why aren't they happy? Why aren't you all happy? You dance from face to face...each problem more suffocating than the last. You drop to your knees. Why aren't they happy? You're falling...You know you're trying. You're trying and trying to fix everyone else's problems. Then you stop. You stare into space. Why? It's NO BIG DEAL. Just forget this all and move on. Just forget this all and move on (Box Car Racer - Elevator). There isn't any important reason to suffer. There is nothing truly upsetting. It's all folly of emotion. Useless. You laugh. I mean, why stay like this? There isn't any reason not to live the beautiful life that is presented so gift-like before you. Hold it, cherish it. In the end, we're all that we've got. But what if you're wrong? You brace for the second side of the argument. The problems around you bind you in chains, and clamp you to a wall of despair. This prison holds tight; withstanding every struggle, every movement, every attempt for escape...(The Postal Service - This Place Is A Prison). Your emotions are ripped from your heart...you are drained of all remorse. Then it all floods back...overwhelming you...never-ending torture. What do you do? WHAT DO YOU DO?

You admit defeat. You are alone. The simple hand of a beautiful friend reaches out to grab you. You pull it in and never let go (Matchbox Twenty - You Won't Be Mine). They hold you...rocking you in their arms. You feel warm. You haven't felt warm forever. The chill in your bones lessens with every breath...every heart beat. What have you achieved? What is wrong? You have reached the lowest depths of the world around you, but have also tasted the sweet air of euphoria. What is wrong? You can't really understand...it's back to square one (Deftones - Pink Maggit). It's back to routine; it's back to life itself. It's back to something that you subconsciously tried to escape. Go back; you need it. So in ending, you have completed a trivial cycle. What for? You have lost meaning (Richard O'Brien (RHPS) - Superheroes). You close your eyes, and you wait for something. You haven't found it yet.

You wait. (The Credits Roll - You Are My Sunshine)

Drained And Then Flooded (Again And Again)

I don't see the problem. With a lot of things really. Why is it such a trouble that I care for people? Does it matter that I can be friends with everyone - or try to- because I love people? Is it really a crime if this list includes "other" girls? I'm sick of people calling my friends "predators". I'm sick of everyone thinking "something" is "going on". Since when has it been custom to judge me off my friends and worry for an image? Fuck you if you can't trust me at all (you know who you are), and fuck you if you think you know me based off things like that. I know what I want in life and I'm doing perfectly well, thank you. I have Madeline, I have great friends, and I love where I'm going. So take yourself out to the curb and see if YOU can say that to yourself with assurance.

It's times like these when I really question if I'm living the right life. Everyone else thinks I'm doing it wrong. No, they KNOW I'm doing it wrong. They think they know everything. I know what's right for ME. So fuck you if you can't accept it. Your opinion drains me, and I can take care of myself.

Why does everyone think that someone is out to get them? Why is it so hard to accept that everyone should be treated with LOVE and respect? I'm sorry if I can't be the nice guy. Why is it wrong to love? For whoever is trying to make love an exclusive device that works only for individuals in certain situations - fuck you. Love is everything. Deal with it.