Murder Murderer Love Inc.

Well, I'm here in my family's apartment for another day - the continuing joke that is the Denver International Airport and the smiting of God's snowy hand upon it has left me deadlocked without point or purpose. I will probably be returning to Denver the day after next; hopefully the apartment is not/was not on fire. At least it's comforting to know that no one has released the creature. Yet.

I've had a lot of fun here in Salem, don't get me wrong. It was so unbelievably great to be with my family - spend time with everyone and get back to how I grew up. I love seeing my sisters - reciting fun movie lines, making stupid jokes, just being weird all-around - and I hope I fill my position of 'little brother' good enough for the time being. I love seeing my parents - I get to spend more time with my dad now because of his new job, and I think that now - after my senior year, graduation, band stress, and much more - my mom can relax a little bit (I'm such a fuss, I know). Also, being able to just sit alone and think to myself has been great. Just relaxing - watching movies, playing games, playing guitar and writing songs - all things I thought I could do back in Denver, but are so much different here. It's been a great time.

I do hope to return in time for a joyous celebration of the New Year, which I have decided in an off-hand sort of way is my favorite holiday. There's some aura that sparkles so slightly in that one night. The atmosphere is warm even when it's freezing. Whether it has been the somewhat crazy events of Fabry's annual get together - something about 'death sauce' and David Byrne - or champagne from a paper cup on a couch in Zac's shed - listening to Ryan produce loud, drunken sounds from his guitar and spending the last seconds of the year 2005 in the air. Whatever it is, the memory of New Years itself always compares to the mass accumulation of memories from the year before. It always sticks with me until the next year rolls around. It allows me to do what I'm doing right now - reminisce and swell with nostalgia.

Who knows where I will find myself at the end of this year? In the basement of my drummer's house discussing Freud and how humans open bananas wrong? Snowed in at my apartment with Tyler and Dustin listening to our perfectly selected soundtracks? Will I be spending the last draining seconds on the phone with someone...anyone...spilling my soul? In the immortal words of The Chemical Brothers...

"Where do I start? Where do I begin?"

Somewhere beneath a vanilla sky. Somewhere sitting on the couch between a girl I've never met and my grandfather discussing literature. I'll be back to playing croquet at lunch breaks and believing what I write. I'll find myself somewhere solving mysteries with Nancy Drew, or turning Japanese. I'll finally board those fateful clouds I spoke of in years past - the last liner to cross the starry expanse. I'll jump so high I never come down. I'll drag out the 'olde' record player and dance the twist and mamba to the sounds of The Beatles and Tim Kasher. I'll list inconsistencies and impossibilities with great ease - laugh at my own humor - and make a toast to that brand new day. I am so excited; I can't even express it.

We'll be dancing in the dark.

We'll be flying like trapeze artists.

We will not be afraid.

We interrupt the regular blogging to bring along this special post from Murder Murderer Love Inc. The end of 2006 is growing near - the double digits of days are slowly growing to an end - and 2007 will be here in the wink of an eye. This can only mean one thing...

Yes, it is that time again to countdown the top fifty music releases from this past year. 2006 was an excellent year for new music - from both old favorites and completely new artists. It took me forever to compile my list right, but here is what my final fifty comes down to:

50. The Dresden Dolls - Yes, Virginia
49. The Thermals - The Body, The Blood, The Machine
48. Mastodon - Blood Mountain
47. The Dirty Dozen Brass Band - What's Going On
46. The Blood Brothers - Young Machetes
45. The Who - Endless Wire
44. Sufjan Stevens - The Avalanche
43. Xiu Xiu - The Air Force
42. Roseanne Cash - Black Cadillac
41. Wolfmother - Wolfmother

40. The Gotan Project - Lunatico
39. Now It's Overhead - Dark Light Daybreak
38. Christina Aguilera - Back To Basics
37. Copeland - Eat, Sleep, Repeat
36. The Album Leaf - Into The Blue Again
35. Placebo - Meds
34. The Black Keys - Magic Potion
33. Beck - The Information
32. TV On The Radio - Return To Cookie Mountain
31. Gnarls Barkley - St. Elsewhere
30. Mates Of State - Bring It Back

29. Cat Power - The Greatest
28. The Yeah Yeah Yeahs - Show Your Bones
27. Jenny Lewis & The Watson Twins - Rabbit Fur Coat
26. Built To Spill - You In Reverse
25. Deftones - Saturday Night Wrist
24. Band Of Horses - Everything All The Time
23. The Raconteurs - Broken Boy Soldiers
22. Sparklehorse - Dream For Light Years In The Belly Of A Mountain
21. Plus 44 - When Your Heart Stops Beating

20. Neil Young - Living With War
19. Muse - Black Holes And Revelations
18. My Chemical Romance - The Black Parade
17. The Knife - Silent Shout
16. Set Your Goals - Mutiny! (tied with) The Hush Sound - Like Vines
15. Incubus - Light Grenades
14. Thom Yorke - The Eraser
13. Brand New - The Devil And God Are Raging Inside Me
12. The Flaming Lips - At War With The Mystics
11. Belle & Sebastian - The Life Pursuit

10. The Decemberists - The Crane Wife
9. The Mars Volta - Amputechture
8. Mogwai - Mr. Beast
7. Fear Before The March Of Flames - The Always Open Mouth
6. Red Hot Chili Peppers - Stadium Arcadium
5. Tool - 10,000 Days
4. Sparrows, Swarm And Sing! - Oh Shenandoah, Mighty Death...
3. Swan Lake - Beast Moans
2. Regina Spektor - Begin To Hope
1. Cursive - Happy Hollow

2006 was pretty wild; a whole variety of great music. Of course, I have my own personal bias (just as Bright Eyes will probably in the top five for 2007), but that's why this is MY top 50 list. A lot of other top 100 lists didn't even include some of the albums I liked, but that's just how it is. I hope you find some stuff you agree with, and some stuff you didn't catch in the last year. If so, go out and do some shopping!

Edit: I added The Hush Sound's "Like Vines" to the list because I obviously don't keep very good records about album releases...it's tied for 16th with Set Your Goals' "Mutiny!" (because I couldn't find anything I could've booted down or off the list). It's also been added because...because...WWJD?

So many things have changed. All at once, in a sudden whirlwind of passing months, moving, calendar pages, and lost letters, my life has fell back into position like a cosmic game of Connect Four. I have no idea what direction to face or run to. My compass has run north and south in circles. Since I last rejuvenated the dying horse that was this journal, things were going pretty smoothly for me. I mean, apart from trying to survive the last two months of high school and looking forward to a shaky yet extremely exciting future.

So, yes - things have changed. Right in time for this new year too. I still have many wants and dreams; many goals and aspirations. I haven't changed as a person - other than my hair growing too long and maybe my sleep schedule. I don't know - I just don't feel that different. I'm still this person I've grown to know from conversations in the mirror or over this journal - this kid named Jordan. At least we get along most of time.

I recently (and by recently, I mean in October) moved with the band and some friends up to Denver, Colorado. I've never moved before; I've lived in the same house since as long as I can remember. My childhood house in the hell we call Los Alamos is now occupied by someone I've never even met. I might not miss that place, but I miss that space I called 'home' - my room most of all. So much of my life went on within the walls of that room. Everything from playing with Lego to packing all my memories in boxes at the beginning of my 'new start'.

Denver...has been an interesting experience so far. Still young in our stay, we have run into so much shit that I didn't even know was possible. Yes, the good things are always evident - infinite freedom, a great band, parties all night - but so are the bad things - never having money, shows getting cancelled, scraping for rent. I think Tyler is the one that said, "I have learned more in these two months of living alone that I learned in four years at our stupid high school". We live our lives to a steady soundtrack - discussing the ways of the universe and the properties of love long into the night with Marble and Dustin, planning an explosion of sound and color like I've never seen before with both Tyler and Elise, and journeying along the path (and cliffline) of my life with everyone right by my side.

The summer seems so long ago; losing my Alexandra to the inevitable rising tide. The future as her husband has grown to be nothing more than my own hope and aspiration; a love put on hold indefinitely. This has also put me in a very fragile state - a state where I constantly feel sorry for myself, question the future, and wonder 'why'.

"And strange lonesome monsters loafed through the hills wondering why...and it is best to never ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever wonder why."

Right now, I'm within these new walls of my family's house in Oregon; I write from the same hands on the very same keyboard that I etched all my silly high school angst and endless teenage turmoil to the page with for years and years. I present something new. Within all this change - within the spiraling path of music, mayhem, and that thing called "love" - I write something different. Contradiction. Confrontation. Opposition. A threat to my heart that this is a war and I am not about to give up.

So, I'll stop feeling sorry for myself. What do I really have to feel sorry for anyway? Yes, I lost the race against love - as always - alright, try again, second place, you almost had it this time. I find that putting a few years of training into myself might do the trick to win her back one day. Yes, I "live like shit and suffer for my art", but I really do like it that way. Yes, I've definitely had some moments; some coughing, screaming, sobbing fits of utter disgust and unbridled anger...but, how I see it...once you've let yourself go, there's nothing more to do than to find yourself again.

That's my goal. That's my dream. In simple terms, still the music, mayhem, and a thing called "love". That's my aspiration. My inspiration as a person - a friend, a lover, a fighter, and most of all, a damn good human being. Welcome again to my life; sit and talk awhile if you like.

- Jordan