Murder Murderer Love Inc.

I find myself remembering. Remembering anything my mind can get a grasp on. It holds onto the memories so tight, almost like the world playing out before me is unimportant compared. I picture nights alone, nights together...I picture people who have now left my life, and left no trace...I picture things I thought would never end. Is it healthy to recall memory so often? Obsessing over things that play over and over in your mind, like a tape rewound but never changed, and basking in the happiness it brings you...can it be right? It's like living in a dream, but you always know what is going to happen. You picture times gone, and sit in uselessless, doing nothing but dreaming. You picture these memories, and the world turns to nothing but blurred colors in your periphery. It's almost like I couldn't let go of these memories, even if I tried. It's almost relaxing to remember...like it's a way to show you really lived. "Please remedy my confusion." Another thing that probably isn't healthy is imagining the second ending. In every situation there can be more than way out, but you'll never know that other way out no matter what you choose. What would you life had been otherwise? You'll never know. I guess that's where I get stuck...I think too much.

The day was utterly boring, as it always is at school. Each class is useless drone; a repetitive experience. I submit myself to routine, and hope that a flaw will be devised in the cycle. I actually got to come home at a decent time today, due to the fact that Olions is now over for the year. I spent my time with Madeline over at her house, and we spent time with her brother, cousin, and her cousin's friend. It was really nice to feel like I was part of her family. I felt accepted. It was relaxing. The clouds provided a beautiful light outside, and a breeze drifted just soft enough through the scene. "Cafarro's Theme" played endlessly in my mind. I unavoidably relate that song with good times. Another highlight of my day was listening to a mix of songs I made for Elise. I defined them as "life defined in lyrical epiphany". The songs I chose seem to bring out so much meaning to me, so I decided to share them. The lyricist I highlighted most never ceases to amaze me: Conor Oberst (Bright Eyes). I decided to put "From A Balance Beam", "The Trees Get Wheeled Away", and "Let's Not Shit Ourselves (To Love And To Be Loved)" on the mix, because they convey so much in general about how an outlook on life can be looked at a little differently with a little help.

I started to make a list of people I appreciate. I tried to focus on people I don't show that I do so much, so I immediately excluded Madeline, Alex Den-Baars, and Rachel. I came up with a suprising list of names...Alex Wilcox...Trevor...Tyler...Alex Marble...Elise...Bryant...Stephanie Selwyn...so many more...I need to show that I care more. I feel like I've officially stolen all the beautiful people in existence to play a part in my life, and I'm selfish to keep them all to myself. How do you show someone you care? I think I've gotten worse and worse at it over time. Aren't you supposed to get better with practice? Maybe I'm cursed. I thought a list like that could help...but I don't know where to go from here. How do you show someone you care?